The Truth Pixie Read online

  Also by Matt Haig

  Shadow Forest

  The Runaway Troll

  To Be A Cat

  Echo Boy

  A Boy Called Christmas

  The Girl Who Saved Christmas

  Father Christmas and Me

  First published in Great Britain in 2018

  by Canongate Books Ltd,

  14 High Street, Edinburgh EH1 1TE

  canongate.co.uk

  This digital edition first published in 2018 by Canongate Books

  Copyright © 2018, Matt Haig

  Illustrations copyright © 2018, Chris Mould

  Extract from The Truth Pixie Goes to School copyright © Matt Haig, 2019

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

  A catalogue record for this book is available on

  request from the British Library

  ISBN 978 1 78689 432 8

  eISBN 978 1 78689 433 5

  To Pearl and Lucas

  In a land two thousand miles from here,

  Is a place where snow falls all the year.

  There you find trolls and goblins and elves,

  And talking rabbits, rather pleased with themselves.

  2

  3

  Other odd creatures live there as well,

  Like this Truth Pixie, whose tale I shall tell.

  4

  Truth Pixie’s sad, as she’s not like the others,

  She’s not like her nineteen sisters or thirty-eight brothers.

  5

  She’s not like her brother Brian who dances and sings,

  She’s not like her sister Sylva with bright shiny wings.

  6

  She can’t tell stories, she can’t sing songs,

  She can’t do magic, she can’t right wrongs.

  In fact, for a pixie, she is quite peculiar,

  And the reason for that is her great-aunt Julia.

  7

  When she was young, Aunt J cast a spell,

  She said, ‘From this day on, the truth you shall tell.’

  To be the Truth Pixie, that is her curse,

  She must tell the truth, for better or worse.

  Imagine!

  8

  Wherever she is, whatever the day,

  She only has one kind of thing to say.

  Just as cats go

  The Truth Pixie can only

  Say things that are

  true.

  And cows go

  10

  It’s good to never tell a lie,

  That’s what people always say,

  But they’ve probably never met the Truth Pixie,

  On a cold Midwinter’s day.

  If she’d done something wrong, she’d have to confess,

  And if you looked scruffy she’d say,

  11

  So, the pixie stays alone in her little yellow house,

  With no friends, except for a strange brown mouse.

  The mouse is called Maarta and lives in her hair.

  Yes, that’s right. Her hair,

  look

  , the mouse is there!

  12

  The pixie looks at her empty shelves,

  ‘We must go to town to feed ourselves.’

  The Truth Pixie sighs

  As she puts on a shoe,

  13

  She’s ever so lonely,

  But what can she do?

  14

  To make good friends, it shouldn’t be hard.

  Invite them to dinner, send them a card,

  15

  Sing them a song, or have a party,

  Be super kind and dress really smartly.

  16

  Well, poor TP – she’s tried this and more,

  But now look – she’s scared to leave her own door.

  No matter the card, no matter the song,

  Something always – ALWAYS – goes wrong.

  Like the time she made dinner for an elf named Tinky,

  And said that her breath was far too stinky.

  Or when she had a party for her sister Amelie,

  And sang ‘Happy Birthday’ in front of her family.

  So her family got cross,

  And never came back.

  And where there were friends,

  There was now a big lack.

  19

  So the Truth Pixie decided

  (Along with her mouse),

  To give up on friends,

  And stay sad in her house.

  20

  ‘Truth shouldn’t hurt people,

  Truth shouldn’t surprise,

  But, oh Maarta, it does!

  I so wish I’d tell lies.

  When I go out, I hope to see

  Absolutely no one, except you and me.’

  21

  The Truth Pixie looks in the mirror

  And tells herself, ‘Don’t cry.’

  Even as she wipes

  A lonely tear from her eye.

  22

  And so she is off,

  Walking fast into town,

  Trying to look unfriendly,

  And keep her head down.

  23

  But OH NO!

  What’s this over here?

  An elf waving,

  And grinning ear to ear.

  24

  The Truth Pixie tries to hide

  Inside a big bush,

  And says to her mouse,

  ‘Please, Maarta! Shush!’

  But it’s too late, she knows it’s true,

  ’Cos the elf is saying, ‘How do you do?’

  25

  Of course, most people would say,

  ‘I’m fine, have a nice day!’

  And then they’d happily be on their way.

  But the Truth Pixie can’t just be polite;

  This pixie tells the truth if it takes until night.

  So she breathes deep, and closes her eyes . . .

  ‘Well, I’m feeling dreadful, and that’s no lie.

  And, now that you ask, if you really must know,

  When I left the house, I stubbed my big toe.

  But that’s not the trouble, not really, no.

  27

  Every elf or pixie who asks me a question,

  Gets a horrible truth I can’t help but mention.

  So, I’m stressed in bed and stressed on the loo,

  And the mouse in my hair has just done a poo.’

  28

  ‘Okay. Right,’ says the elf, backing away.

  ‘Is that the time? . . . Maybe another day!’

  29

  Our pixie – poor pixie – waves bye and feels sad.

  ‘I reply to their questions, but they just think I’m mad.

  I don’t know how to stop doing what I do,

  Without answering questions with things that are true.’

  30

  The Truth Pixie carries on with her walking,

  And hopes she won’t have to do any more talking.

  ‘I wish there was someone who could handle the truth.

  But there isn’t. And my lonely heart is the proof.’

  31

  As she reaches town, the road becomes busy,

  The Truth Pixie’s fear of questions is making her dizzy.

  32

  ‘Do you like my hair?’ another elf enquires.

  ‘Hmm. It looks like a thousand ugly wires.’

  ‘What about my clothes? I got them from this

  great place.’

  ‘Well, to be fair, they’re better than your face.’

  33

  The elf is angry and goes bright red.

  34

  Along comes a rabbit, fuffy and brown,

/>   Wondering about the Truth Pixie’s frown.

  35

  The Truth Pixie groans and speaks without blinking:

  ‘I’m thinking that rabbits are the oddest things ever,

  Floppy-eared weirdos who aren’t very clever.

  36

  I’m thinking, I wish they didn’t go shopping,

  When they can’t even walk, and insist upon hopping,

  37

  And I keep on stepping in their gross round droppings –

  I’m sorry for the truth but it’s just not stopping . . .’

  38

  The Truth Pixie bites her own hand

  And runs down the street,

  Until she looks up,

  And sees two massive feet.

  Too late!

  Crash! And bump!

  She bangs into a foot

  And a big warty lump!

  39

  The foot is so huge and knobbly and wide,

  The pixie feels fear all through her insides.

  ‘I’m so sorry! I didn’t see where I was going!

  But hey, look at that, I think it’s stopped snowing!’

  40

  41

  The Truth Pixie stares up and up to the sky.

  Her heart beats fast and there’s no wondering why –

  The person she’s met is no person at all

  But a troll who’s way over thirty feet tall.

  42

  She knows of the troll.

  She’s seen him before.

  He likes to start fights and

  Is best to ignore.

  43

  He picks up the pixie to get a close look.

  The Truth Pixie read about this in a book.

  She’s pulled high in the sky, trapped in his fist.

  ‘Let me go! To my house, there, through the mist!’

  44

  The troll laughs . . .

  45

  Your new house be soon in my big

  greedy tum!’

  ‘Wait! Wait!’ TP squeaks. ‘Don’t be so hasty!

  I may look sweet, but I’m bony not tasty.’

  ‘Hmm,’

  grumbles the troll.

  ‘Then please

  tell me,

  What can you do to stay out

  of my belly?’

  46

  The Truth Pixie gulps,

  The Truth Pixie is scared.

  The Truth Pixie knows

  that the truth can’t be shared.

  47

  She tries to think, as the troll’s face comes near,

  But it’s hard to think with a brain full of fear.

  48

  ‘Maybe,’

  the troll says,

  ‘you is not my food,

  Tell me a story, but make it good!

  Come on. Speak up. What’s the matter

  with you?’

  49

  The Truth Pixie sighs. ‘It has to be true.’

  50

  He holds the poor creature, and squeezes her tight.

  ‘Oh, this be perfect! This be so right!

  You see, I scare every creature

  and every bird,

  So the truth be something

  I never ’ave heard!’

  51

  ‘But,’ says the pixie, in a rather quick blurt,

  ‘You should know that the truth can sometimes hurt.’

  52

  ‘Well, listen now, Pixie, and listen hard!

  Look at my arms! Look how I be scarred!

  I be tough as rock and as strong as stone,

  I’ve no fear in my blood and none in my bone.

  53

  I eat monsters for breakfast and beasts for my tea!

  There’s nothing that scares me, don’t you see?

  The truth won’t hurt. I’m too tough for that.

  I’m no big soft fluffy scaredy cat.’

  54

  Says the mouse in the Truth Pixie’s hair.

  And she looks for a cat but no cat is there.

  ‘Cat?’

  55

  The troll keeps talking, with breath that does stink,

  56

  The Truth Pixie tries to hold her mouth closed,

  She covers her lips and breathes out of her nose.

  But the truth is strong,

  The truth can’t be planned.

  And so the truth comes fast,

  And down goes her hand.

  57

  ‘What do I think? . . . I have nothing to say.’

  Agh!

  Oh no!

  The words are

  on their way!

  58

  ‘I think you are

  lumpy

  and

  warty

  and

  stupid

  ,

  I think you are

  smelly

  and

  ugly

  and

  putrid

  ,

  I think you are

  dumb

  and not in a fun way,

  If you were a plane you’d get

  stuck on the runway

  !

  I think your teeth are

  yellow

  and

  brown

  ,

  I think you should be careful when you come to town.

  Your feet are too

  stompy

  and you make people

  shake

  ,

  You are a

  giant horrendous walking earthquake

  .

  59

  60

  You eat people who really shouldn’t be eaten,

  And once crushed a whole town in a land called Sweden.

  You’re a nasty troll who smells like wee . . .

  And now,

  I suppose,

  You’re still going

  to

  eat

  me.’

  61

  62

  The troll opens wide and is ready to munch . . .

  ‘I be mad!

  And I be cross!

  I need to show

  Who be the boss!

  65

  I should eat you up,

  I really should!

  But you’ll taste like the truth

  And that be no good.’

  66

  67

  So, the giant troll gets ready to throw . . .

  68

  And into the air the pixie does go!

  69

  She flies over fields and over mountains,

  She flies over palaces and pretty fountains.

  70

  She flies over horses eating hay.

  One looks up at the sky and shouts, ‘Neigh!’

  71

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  .

  She’s thrown so far by that troll who is stinky,

  That she arrives in a town now known as Helsinki.

  73

  She drops through a window on the edge of town,

  And sees a human in a dressing gown.

  The girl on the bed hugs a pillow patterned with foxes,

  She sits and cries in a room full of boxes.

  74

  ‘Who are you?’ says the girl. ‘And what are you doing?’

  The Truth Pixie sighs. Is more trouble brewing?

  ‘I’m the Truth Pixie and I was hoping you’d ignore me.

  Because I can’t sing songs and I can’t tell a story.

  Just as cats go miaow and cows go moo,

  The Truth Pixie can only say things that are true.

  75

  Far away is the home where I belong,

  I got thrown by a troll who found the truth too strong.

  I’ve upset two elves and a rabbit who hops,

  I hate this truth, it just never stops.